Monday, June 22, 2009

One Small Step for Man...

Recent turmoil in my life has inspired me to display a certain amount of gumption (how often do you come across that word). I would like to share something with the world of blogger. And though I realize that very few, if any people will actually read this, there's something very therapeutic about putting personal woes into writing. OK... Here it goes... I'M GAY.
I know... its horribly shocking, isn't it? haha. Most people who know
me think I'm gay anyways... and those who don't... well all I can say is bless you:) Its not an easy thing being gay and Mormon, but then again, what in life is easy? Why should I assume that because I'm Mormon I don't have to deal with contradictions, or an oxymoron? Trials are part of life, and even though I may be bitter at times, I have come to realize that my trial to bear, among other things, is that I'm gay. This would explain my contempt for Utah County and BYU, both of which represent a very negative environment that I have had to live with for the past 9 years. Only one more year and then I'll be free from the narrow minded mass that I have grown to truly despise.
Now I will admit that I have issues with going to Church, more specifically priesthood. Mormonism is a different thing when one realizes that marriage and family aren't in the cards. But even with my difficulties attending church, I've still made the commitment to remain Mormon. My testimony, though weak at times, has kept me from walking too far off the path.
This act of gumption (two times in one day...ha) has come after my unintentional coming out to my parents. That accidental act of courage led me to come out to my best friend Shawna. And now I have come out, in a manner of speaking, to the rest of the world. Though, as I said before, I doubt anyone will read this. I am not ashamed to admit that I'm a Mormon going through trials. How can I expect my fellow members to "bear my burdens" if they don't know what they are. People waste too much energy keeping everything inside. I believe that we, as members of the church, have a choice to make. We can remain to live with secrets, while attending Church in fear, or we can proudly admit to one another that we are human, and very imperfect. The strength of the Church lies with the unity of its members. Unity which, I believe, will grow exponentially when we as members decide to let go of our fears and announce our flaws. Our imperfections are what make us the same.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

One More Down..

So... I officially made it through Winter semester.  I'm still alive, so I figure I did pretty well:)  I still have to wait another week to see what my grades will be.  I only have reservations about two classes... Music History and Form and Analysis.  I'm praying I pass them both.
With the end of Winter semester marks the end of my Junior year.  Assuming I pass all my classes, I will be a senior, on the road to graduation.  I'm taking classes during Spring and Summer terms to stay on top of things, and if I stay focused, I'll be done with by Bachelors degree by the Summer of next year.  I'm getting a little anxious, because I still don't have a solid career in mind, and I'm running out of time to figure it out.  I also haven't decided what I'm going to do in terms of a graduate degree.  Once upon a time I wanted to obtain a Doctorate, but my disdain for college has nearly killed that idea.  I just need to get away from BYU, and I think I'll be fine.  Its a good school, but the environment isn't conducive to learning.  The final kernel of frustration in my current education goals is money.  I'm on my way to being over 20,000 in debt for a bachelors degree, and that amount is only going to get bigger if I continue.  Lots to think about.     

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Reveling in My Accomplishments!


There's nothing more American then a good competition.  Last Friday I had a chance to compete in the annual NATS competition (NATS stands for the national association for the teachers of singing).  I can't say exactly way I entered.  I didn't feel like I was prepared, nor did I feel like I had any possibility to place.  I competed in this same competition 2 years ago...  I managed to get third only because my division consisted of 10 people.  Its grown considerably since then.
My first obstacle was the preliminary round.  I faced singers that were, in my opinion, far more skilled than I was.  To my surprise, I struck a chord with the judicators, who told me when I was finished that I had 'great technique.'  The next morning I had to sing in the semi-final round.  I wasn't nervous, because, once again, I didn't think I was headed for the finals.  I was in utter shock to see my name grace the finals board.  I was part of the top three classical singers in my division.  At that point I knew first place was out of my reach ( I was competing with BYU's singer of the year), so I sang in the finals feeling completely content with how far I had come.  I placed third...  familiar territory, yet somehow it felt so satisfying.  Maybe a professional singing career isn't so far fetched.  The entire experience left me with an added sense of who I am and what I'm trying to accomplish.  Singing is who I am, and someday people around the world are going to know me for it.     

Friday, February 27, 2009

Running On Vapors

Ladies and Gentlemen, I am running on vapors.  I'm tired, I'm lonely... I'm lost in a sea of vague and distant dreams.  My motivation to get up in the morning is no longer and I yearn for something to give me a jump start. I don't understand how I've gotten here... can anyone tell me?  It only takes half a semester for me to feel like my life is going nowhere.  Its like running a marathon and hitting the infamous 'wall' before you're even half way done.  
I recently came along one of my favorite songs while on a rather entertaining shuffle (we all know a good ipod shuffle is a rare gem).  The song was 'Turn Around'  by Jonny Lang, one of my favorite singers and guitarists.  The lyrics always serve to make me feel better.... they are as follows:
I was a young man in a hurry 
I didn't stop to think 
The next thing I knew I was in trouble - deep trouble 
Then I remember what aunt Linda used to tell me back in the day 
The words that she said are still in my head, she said, 

The choices you make might be mistakes 
But it's never too late to turn around, turn around 
The road that you take might lead you astray 
But don't be afraid to turn around, turn around 

I knew a young man named Charlie, 
He went and lost his way 
Now he's in prison, cold prison 
No chance to escape 
They gave him new clothes and a Bible, and the Word he did read 
Now the four walls can't keep him 'cause Charlie is free 

The choices you make might be mistakes 
But it's never too late to turn around, turn around 
The road that you take might lead you astray 
But don't be afraid to turn around, turn around 

You might be in trouble 
You might be running 
But it's never too late to turn around 
'cause as long as you're still breathing 
There'll always be enough time 
To make the right decision before you die, because 

The choices you make might be mistakes 
But it's never too late to turn around, turn around 
The road that you take might lead you astray 
But don't be afraid to turn around, turn around  

Its never too late to turn around... this is what I needed to hear.  I have to make a choice to turn my current situation back into something positive.  

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Kelly, Please...

Kelly Clarkson has been a love of mine since her debut in 2002. Her season of American Idol was the only season I watched. No other season has produced such a powerful force in the world of pop music.
It was painful to watch her last album overshadowed by harsh criticism. The wave of negative press overwhelmed any hope of the album being a success. The critics simply did not like her divergence into different genres of music. A pop singer should always be a pop singer, I guess. I didn't agree with the press in the slightest. Her lyrics were solid and her songs were well done,
although understandably not as catchy as her previous hits. Her voice, noticeably worn, was due to the increase of heavier songs, without a change in technique. You can't blame her music, but you could blame her choice in not preparing herself. I didn't choose to criticize her voice, because I understand how difficult it is, in terms of stamina, to sing for long periods of time. She was performing constantly and wasn't giving her voice adequate time to rest. Give her a break! That's what I say.
So now with all the "My December" drama behind her, she's now ready to release her 4th album. "All I Ever Wanted" is scheduled for release March 17th. We're already getting a taste of it with the release of the Album's first single:"My Life Would Suck Without You."
While I admit that the new single is very entertaining, I have to say that it is a small disappointment. I was hoping for something new, not a restatement of her previous success "Since U Been Gone." I can only hope that the rest of the Album represents more growth than this first single. Despite my small biff, I remain to be an avid fan. She's gorgeous, I love her... and you should too!!






Friday, January 2, 2009

Happy New Year!

We've made it!  We succeeded in surviving another treacherous year.  I'll be honest and say I didn't think I was going to make it.  Depression was a powerful force in my life in the past year, but I vow that it won't be in the year to come.  So... What are my resolutions?  Should I share?  My first cliche response is to get in shape.  To put in bluntly, I want to look good naked... who doesn't? Second,  I want to work harder than I've ever worked on my music.  My voice, piano, and soon a guitar are going to become high priorities in my life.  I've always been scared of success, but I don't want that fear to affect my progress anymore. And finally, I would like to become more spiritual.  Its no secret that I've never enjoyed going to church.  As a child, I remember the excuses I would attempt to make so that I wouldn't have to go. I've been fighting spirituality my whole life.  I would like that to change this year.  So... Those are my goals.  I'm going to take these things one day at a time, and hopefully by the end of the year I can say that I accomplished all of them.